another saturday night, and i aint got etc etc

i almost fell off my ladder today. i had to jump. and burn my hand slightly on the rope. well, i didnt have to do that. tonight i was a game show host for the newlywed game at a corporate party. i have never been a game show host, but have always thought i would be good at it. fact. it was good. then i raced to another place where i sang in a chorus for a band who my roommate belongs to. i have never been a singer in a band, but have always thought i would be good at that too. after an hour of driving, i am now here. i would like to now transcribe this page i wrote earlier, omitting anything that sounds poor as i go. marshmallow mateys.

What does the knowledge of it do for your own action? If we know in our heart that we, ourself, is fallible; incapable of loving fully, incapable of being God, why then do we continue on trying as if we think we will break the mold? Trying is the best to hope for. Everyone is forgotten in time. There are people who just seem(ed) to know something everyone else didn't, how to put the pieces together simply while appearing complex, to write a melody that reaches inside. But we can avert our our eyes, shut our ears, we cannot be reached unless we choose to be. Sometimes I wish I had a God that would force me to know Him. But then i dont. I wonder how it could be that even if i had God by my side, a pure example of love and what to emulate, how i could still find it in myself to turn away and look for something for myself. I know that I would. So what does knowing do for me? Does it change my course of action, do i try harder than anyone else ever has? Okay, why not?
NOw by no means do i mean to stop. It's difficult to pursue things in your life if you over think it. We are constantly being who we are, and we can constantly change that direction and pursue something new. I am not held down, pinned by any choice I ever made (certainly some choices if made would bring some moral/judicial ramifications). Is this freedom? Do we already have what we want but fail to see it? So many people around the world are literally chained down by the evils of their country, their neighbors, their inheritance, their poverty, and are unable to feel like they can break away. I weep for that. And what of the message i cling to - that love will pave the way, true love is a thing worth dying for, the source of madness is the lack of it. Well, maybe not. It's foolish. And yet it pins down so many artists, musicians, poets... or okay all of them. What we really want is to be understood, to be happy on our own terms, get the things we want through luck and beguilement, perhaps a bit of merit. Could it be that the wealth of feelings, the lines of prose, all lead to an end result of not-good-enough? Is that where the misery comes from? How can you know what will happen before the end? How can you know what will save your soul (if you believe in these things) before the end, before it's happened? Yeah. You can't.
There are these feelings of pleasure, happiness, assurety (which apparently isn't a word), anxiety, misery, worry - and we put them together with experiences and words attached and follow them as road signs in our life. I try to remember some time long ago when I was absolutely sure about one thing or another, and what it took to achieve that. Now I feel like i've crossed the line again, into my usual and comfortable self worship, love worship; that any time spent thinking leads me away from God and deep into myself. A 180 degree turn is always necessary. A new mindset. How poor that is. And what does it help? I could do any great thing in the world completely devoid of God (to me), and He could still take it for His glory and use it as best He could for His kingdom. Do I miss out on the high five from God if I am A) not aware of my motives or b) doing good things for no real reason except to do them? There it goes again, me getting all full of myself. Pride is weird because it makes alot of sense. God doesn't belong in a box that I make for Him to be in. There is so much going on. I want to see it all happen and know it and then see what I do then. Something is off-putting about the old addage that you should do everything you do for God and that that will be able to verify life in that way. I guess I am just not very good at doing this.
...Maybe deep down inside, we all know we're just masturbating the day away; but it feels pretty good most of the time. Except for that time when you come down.