we are still here

update......... i havent used this blog in one thousand years. i do not own a computer of my own, and when i get access to one, i can only think of so many things to do with it, and watching apple jacks animations, tv shows, bbc news, naked ladies, and being a pirate all come before blog. so it is i have come to be here only now.
it is december. i still live here, where i do. I have some new roommates. the winter is cold in a warehouse. christmas is coming very soon.
we were driving, and i was remembering where you live, and how i could have lived there too; but now we were driving, and you were sleeping inside your house, and i knew you were there, even though we didn't stop to make sure it was true. And I thought of how many things I know that are true, and how some thoughts can be revelations even when they are old and used out, and I wished i could remember these things all the time so i could build past them and be amazed at something less common. But I always forget how many people there really are, and how they are moving, and doing so many things, inventing and understanding. Making connections and crushing and being crushed. And I thought if i could always keep the thought in my mind of equality amongst us all that i would start to do things differently, to treat someone better, to say different things. But I forgot again, and I was still myself, and it took one thousand houses flying by a window to remind me that it was so. And it seemed like nothing changes, and that the moments of clarity were few and far between, and that maybe even the times where i thought i was so close to seeing the biggest picture i was still so far away. And maybe as i go on, i find more and more that i dont get what i want, but only a clearer understanding of what that is in the first place. And like the bird freed from his cage who returns to it so that he still may have something to wish for*, i go along, hoping i could remember and reach an end, knowing that there never was one to start with.

(*Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions)

I just finished my first ayn rand book, anthem. it was short, and easy, and great. im also reading gabriel garcia marquez's one hundred years of solitude. it has wonderful moments. I am thinking i need to start to exercise maybe. and get my ass back on the drawing/painting/creating something, for God's sake..... board.


that's why

i got the thing that ive wanted for 6 years. someday the computer will have pictures.



a list of demands

we want to know - did we turn it on it's head, did we rock the boat?
or have we been jumping through so many invisible hoops, unaware of our own boudning feet, unseeing of the beaten path and that same old same old same old same old thing?
we want to know did it matter? we want you to maybe confirm for us that indeed, it maybe certainly did.
we want a firm handshake or reassuring look.
we want our love to be proud of the fact that we're the only one they will be coming home to and loving and fucking for the rest of our blessed, beleaguered lives.
we want the oppurtunity to present itself, we want to wake up a bit earlier, stay out a bit later, work hard, play hard.
we want to hold your confidence, we want to give you the best advice.
we want to smile knowingly, to speak in complex riddles and elaborate on subjects.
we hope we can tell the truth.
we want to be a better lover than anyone before or after, or at least to hear you say so
we want to already know what we've done before being told that we've done it.
we want the recognition, we want it to change.
sometimes we want it to stay the same.
we want to know what is best, middle, and worst, to be sympathetic and understand.
we hope that we really care.
we want to stop you with our stare; we want our fingers to make goosebumps embroider your skin, every single time.
we want you to want to do the same for us.
we want it not be so important, we want it to be everything.
we want to relax, make the right choice, feel like it was somehow worth it, every single time.
we hope upon hope that we were right. God, how we do hope that.


more like blah mitzvah

Some Rules and Hints for Students and Teachers
By John Cage
RULE 1: Find a place you trust and then, try trusting it for a while
RULE 2: GENERAL DUTIES AS A STUDENT Pull everything out of your teacher.Pull everything out of your fellow students.
RULE 3:GENERAL DUTY AS A TEACHER Pull everything out of your students.
RULE 4:Consider everything an experiment.
RULE 5:Be self disciplined.This means finding someone smart or wise and choosing to follow them.To be disciplined is to follow in a good way.To be self-disciplined is to follow in a better way.
RULE 6:Follow the leader Nothing is a mistake.There is no win and no fail.There is only make.
RULE 7:The only rule is work If you work it will lead to something. It is the people who do all of the work all the time who eventually catch onto things. You can fool the fans - but not the players.
RULE 8:Do not try to create and analyze at the same time. They are different processes.
RULE 9:Be happy whenever you can manage it. Enjoy yourself. It is lighter than you think.
RULE 10:We are breaking all the rules, even our own rules and how do we do that? By leaving plenty of room for 'x' qualities.

HELPFUL HINTS: Always be around. Come or go to everything. Always go to classes. Read everything you can get your hands on. Look at movies carefully and often. Save everything. It may come in handy later.


update! i cant find my camera!
also i fell down my ladder recently, and hurt my hand.
also, the guy cleaning the walls outside my window can clearly tell that when he sprays the window that water sprays inside the house. and he can clearly see me sitting in pajamas and refuses to acknowledge me.

..and when we're dead(and we'll be dead),
we'll have our eternity.
and i will spend it all
missing you
and you and me
i havent been on here in awhile, which is probably a good thing. we have no more working computers or tv in the house. you would think i would get so much work done that way: drawing, reading classics, writing novellas; but alas. it's a slow climb.
so we are, what, a third of the way through lent? so far i have found out i am socially inept, and have a million things locked up. not much progress really. if anything i am far more unhapy when not drinking, because i cant exist as a person who talks to other persons well. i have been so haunted the last several days, it was the full moon and all, and now that it's past i am feeling a bit better. It's strange how that works. maybe it's all in my mind? i think i've asked that before... and always say 'duh.' but it doesnt matter where it is if it's real, huh?
im going to california in may for awhile, job or no job, money or no money, friends or no friends. i am interested in breaking the cycle - what happens if i'm not dating anyone when i go there? i cant break up with anyone then, maybe i'll just die instead? the world is my oyster! anyway. that will be fun.
this month is going fast. this week would have normally been spring break, me and adam getting in a car and driving somewhere new and warm.
so, in conclusion, sorry if ive been grumpy lately, i am learning something important, or maybe i just am that way usually.

imma post some art now.


the best



day 1

ash wednesday was today. I dont think youre supposed to say 'happy ash wednesday!' ...I have begun to abstain from alcohol, and it was fairly simple for the day at least. the point is that when you want the thing you cant have, you direct that energy to God instead. there has been noone else but me in the house for 30-36 hours now. luckily i did go out for a time to watch a show i had no idea what the hell was going on and didnt care (lost) and another show which was largely disappointing (top chef). and there was chicken wings. but now im back. i am feeling strange.
last nite a good reason for not drinking presented itself - i had totally misplaced a hilarious memory of mine from new orleans. I actually needed to be reminded that i was paid $100 to go into a shemale strip club and have a drink. seriously. i have trained my brain exceedingly well at blocking things out. oh, come on, it was just a drink. you would do the same thing. i have the disposition that makes me want to experience everything, which leads me to my next point -
i found out today that i am the reincarnation of soren kierkegaard. here's why:

"i dont feel like doing anything. I dont feel like walking - it is tiring. i dont feel like lying down, for either i would lie down for a long time, and i dont feel like doing that, or i would get up right away, and i dont feel like that either - i dont feel like riding - the motion is too vigorous for my apathy; i dont feel like doing anything except just taking a drive; indolently, smoothly undulating along, letting objects in abundance glide by, pausing at every beautiful spot merely to feel my listlessness - my ideas and impulses are just as barren as a eunuch's desire. I seek in vain for something to stimulate me... now I really feel the meaning of the expression about Christ's words that they are life and spirit. To be brief: I do not feel like writing what I have written here, and i do not feel like erasing it either.
...all i am qualified to do is to converse with crazy people and to offer them my hand
...i divide my time as follows. One half I sleep; the other half i dream.
..I could almost be tempted to explain the contradictions moving within me by supposing that i am an irishman. For the irish do not have the heart to immerse their children totally when they have them baptized; they want to keep a little paganism in reserve. Generally the child is totally immersed, but they leave the right arm free, so that he will be able to wield a sword with it, embrace the girls"

love him. heres one last quote/food for thought - 'Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. We never find out the strength of an evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it; and Christ, because he was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist.' CS Lewis

anybody want to come over? you should. i am lonely as hell and will be reading on the couch for hours because my sleep is completely off. i prefer pretty girls who like to snuggle, just for the record.