30.11.08

happy christmas month starting tomorrow

i had a dream today where i was hearing this song, and my dad said to me 'see, sometimes songs are quick to take away the heartbreak.' But i'm not sure if he was right, because it made me cry.
....it was a vanessa carlton song, 'more than this'. Get off my case about it.
I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving and vacation weekend. Mine was nice. I think i'm going to resolve to not drink for awhile. my head needs the break. So here it is, december already.
there might be some openings in my house soon, if you would like to move in with me. There will, of course, be an interviewing process.
i wish my mom would stop calling me to remind me i forgot to go there today and set up the Christmas tree.
you knew i had one, so here it is, the obligatory break up poem i made last week. enjoy.

i dont know, im none too sure
maybe its all the same, maybe i've made some choice at some point
i wish there was a way, to know for sure, inside
but in some place, there is always someone who doesnt
for the time, i am convinced
we all ask why we live here, if love is the way we always thought it would be
when can i have an answer that suits me, or at least settles me
down and out of a complacent shrug
for when things don't quite work the way i had thought they might
but work is still what things somehow end up doing
and i know i'll learn to live with new memories
its just that work seems to be the key verb here

dear God please help us, i think i've heard your voice again
and its my blame that you needed to filter it so many times until i knew it was you
we spent so many years, trying to convince me that the words were just from the other me
and how i can't trust him, when things are turning out this way
but tonight, there was no mistake
and my eyes were convincing me that it really was the end
i had hoped that getting far from you would bring me close to Him
but now, today, i just don't know where i am
and God's far, and you're still farther, and im sitting still
i'm trying to find her, to get rid of you
and i'm trying to imagine you with him, to get rid of me
but mostly i'm trying to not imagine anything at all

i know we'll be fine
i think we'll be fine
i hope you will let me know that you are doing fine


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