time

here we are at the end. it's what.....5:30 in the morning, on a sunday, and i feel alive tonite, right now. I was reading about the flow of time and how any memory needs to be placed into the flow of everything that is happening simultaneously, how everything changes all the time, and how your mind can't even know about all the changes because we just break everything down into instant moments that we knew and saw in our own lives. I'm okay with that, as long as the memories i get to keep are there as long as i am able to have them.
when you combine certain people with certain music, then you start to feel certain things. I've been trying to focus so hard on relating to everyone i know, to make peace in this world. I don't know where i am these days. In time, there was a flow, a wide eternal flow that i was placed in, and the people that i meet in those times and places, the people that i connected with were there, at the same time, and we shared something special. and that is amazing. I am grateful for those who were really there with me, though i know everyone else was there too, only some few people made a connection and it's not a fault of mine that these are my lifeline. how strange. what makes the people i know the people who i share my life with, those who i share secrets with, what makes me trust who i do? why cant i love anyone who i want? im not complaining, just wondering, and certainly not fighting against the things i feel ever so strongly these days, in all the wrong places. i trust myself, usually, even though it's madness.
i ran a fog machine tonite. it's almost 6 now. i think i will not sleep, who cares? the sun comes up and it is just another day, where we will run around, be dead, be alive, be in love, make love, throw away things we cant keep anymore, save something we hope will remind us of something we used to love, and we hope we can love like that again.
I am a huge fan of finding your own way. I could push you in the direction i think you should go, but i know it means nothing until you make it happen; we are all one person, one set of choices, who will we be decide to be, what is our favorite song, what kind of girl do we find the prettiest? I can't fight the things that made me who i am, only try to know it and to make it work, and feel good about it. This is not right or wrong. God is here, showing me around the way life could be. i dont know where the 'should be' comes in.