thursday

Long ago, people would look in the sky and see stars and the moon, and not know what it was they were looking at. They could only wonder at light in the dark, draw shapes, find their way using mysteries.
Lately I've had some bad dreams, where all the things i worry about are happening to me - Like a girl i like tells me i'm always being too serious, my house burns down, someone tells me i am the reason for them dying, i cut my hair, and, of course, sexual family terribleness.
I wake up and feel old. Resolve to not drink anymore. This one tastes skunky anyway.
I told my life story at a meeting the other day. If anything I remembered some things along the way. It's so unnerving to know that your specific life and feelings and day to day cant ever be shared with anyone else. No matter how closely I document myself, noone will ever be able to know what it was like to be me, and i will never know how it was like to be anyone else. I've been learning more and more to be comfortable in my own skin, and to be good at being alone, even if it's not the way i would choose to be. I was sad to think that if i dont remember my childhood, noone is going to be able to tell me what it was like, so many days i've put away, literally trying to forget things by destroying them, and hey, it worked. You can only feel the way you do when you do, and it will be convincing enough at the time to forego any foresight. At any rate, i dont count anything as a nightmare anymore.
I've spent some time with some people who help me feel at ease, relax and forget about putting on shows or masks. I would stay there all day if i didn't think i would overstay my welcome.
I play 'real love' by the beatles and 'last night i dreamt somebody loved me' by the smiths on the guitar everytime i pick it up.
Just because i know what stars are, i dont want to stop being curious, making shapes, and being amazed.