okay

so, when i think my thoughts are lucid at 6 am, they are mostly not.
time though, if it is a flow, is not something that our mind can really grasp, because we only see moments, and things from the past are not there for us to see, only memories,which are arguably incredibly fallible (esp. if you fall and hit your head, or liquor up too often, both of which occur in this household on a saturday nite (but not to me)). But we do know that things did occur before us, and that things did happen to us before that are not happening now. ... here, let me just quote the book
"units of time are only the artificial segments into which the analytic intellect slices what in reality is a continuous flow... the intellect is capable of comprehending static parts, it is incapable of grasping movement or duration.
If it is true that one cannot step into the same river twice, it is also true that no person can think the same way twice, because after each experience he or she is a different person."
This is kind of nice then, because sometimes i am pretty sure my life is on repeat, playing a cycle that lasts around 3 or 4 years. Maybe this is because I have not yet learned the thing i was supposed to learn the first time around, maybe it's just because that's the way my life is, and I better get used to it. I am trying to break the cycle, invite some new players besides the usual ones (they grow up like weeds!(i say that in a 'i still love them' kind of way)).
We were talking in church about the things that we are able to give, the things we need to put out 'on front street' (this phrase caught on way too well, and was, slightly, retarded). I have been feeling like I do not do enough, and am trying to remedy the situation. I think the thing I am most wealthy in is free time, time, time, and more time. I dont have alot of other skills. These people talk circles around me. But i have alot of spare time to spend doing stuff for people. So i will use that better, because it is a gift. As for the front street stuff, thats not for a blog to handle, or for really most people to handle. We will see about accountability partners or counseling or whatever.
It's a waste of time to think about decisions that were already made, whether they were right or not, because its done now. i am feeling okay. i dont want to choose to be a sad person, even if sadness chooses me (it hasn't, yet). you dont help, but i cant help this