the songs still sound as good

whatev

thursday

Long ago, people would look in the sky and see stars and the moon, and not know what it was they were looking at. They could only wonder at light in the dark, draw shapes, find their way using mysteries.
Lately I've had some bad dreams, where all the things i worry about are happening to me - Like a girl i like tells me i'm always being too serious, my house burns down, someone tells me i am the reason for them dying, i cut my hair, and, of course, sexual family terribleness.
I wake up and feel old. Resolve to not drink anymore. This one tastes skunky anyway.
I told my life story at a meeting the other day. If anything I remembered some things along the way. It's so unnerving to know that your specific life and feelings and day to day cant ever be shared with anyone else. No matter how closely I document myself, noone will ever be able to know what it was like to be me, and i will never know how it was like to be anyone else. I've been learning more and more to be comfortable in my own skin, and to be good at being alone, even if it's not the way i would choose to be. I was sad to think that if i dont remember my childhood, noone is going to be able to tell me what it was like, so many days i've put away, literally trying to forget things by destroying them, and hey, it worked. You can only feel the way you do when you do, and it will be convincing enough at the time to forego any foresight. At any rate, i dont count anything as a nightmare anymore.
I've spent some time with some people who help me feel at ease, relax and forget about putting on shows or masks. I would stay there all day if i didn't think i would overstay my welcome.
I play 'real love' by the beatles and 'last night i dreamt somebody loved me' by the smiths on the guitar everytime i pick it up.
Just because i know what stars are, i dont want to stop being curious, making shapes, and being amazed.

okay

so, when i think my thoughts are lucid at 6 am, they are mostly not.
time though, if it is a flow, is not something that our mind can really grasp, because we only see moments, and things from the past are not there for us to see, only memories,which are arguably incredibly fallible (esp. if you fall and hit your head, or liquor up too often, both of which occur in this household on a saturday nite (but not to me)). But we do know that things did occur before us, and that things did happen to us before that are not happening now. ... here, let me just quote the book
"units of time are only the artificial segments into which the analytic intellect slices what in reality is a continuous flow... the intellect is capable of comprehending static parts, it is incapable of grasping movement or duration.
If it is true that one cannot step into the same river twice, it is also true that no person can think the same way twice, because after each experience he or she is a different person."
This is kind of nice then, because sometimes i am pretty sure my life is on repeat, playing a cycle that lasts around 3 or 4 years. Maybe this is because I have not yet learned the thing i was supposed to learn the first time around, maybe it's just because that's the way my life is, and I better get used to it. I am trying to break the cycle, invite some new players besides the usual ones (they grow up like weeds!(i say that in a 'i still love them' kind of way)).
We were talking in church about the things that we are able to give, the things we need to put out 'on front street' (this phrase caught on way too well, and was, slightly, retarded). I have been feeling like I do not do enough, and am trying to remedy the situation. I think the thing I am most wealthy in is free time, time, time, and more time. I dont have alot of other skills. These people talk circles around me. But i have alot of spare time to spend doing stuff for people. So i will use that better, because it is a gift. As for the front street stuff, thats not for a blog to handle, or for really most people to handle. We will see about accountability partners or counseling or whatever.
It's a waste of time to think about decisions that were already made, whether they were right or not, because its done now. i am feeling okay. i dont want to choose to be a sad person, even if sadness chooses me (it hasn't, yet). you dont help, but i cant help this

time

here we are at the end. it's what.....5:30 in the morning, on a sunday, and i feel alive tonite, right now. I was reading about the flow of time and how any memory needs to be placed into the flow of everything that is happening simultaneously, how everything changes all the time, and how your mind can't even know about all the changes because we just break everything down into instant moments that we knew and saw in our own lives. I'm okay with that, as long as the memories i get to keep are there as long as i am able to have them.
when you combine certain people with certain music, then you start to feel certain things. I've been trying to focus so hard on relating to everyone i know, to make peace in this world. I don't know where i am these days. In time, there was a flow, a wide eternal flow that i was placed in, and the people that i meet in those times and places, the people that i connected with were there, at the same time, and we shared something special. and that is amazing. I am grateful for those who were really there with me, though i know everyone else was there too, only some few people made a connection and it's not a fault of mine that these are my lifeline. how strange. what makes the people i know the people who i share my life with, those who i share secrets with, what makes me trust who i do? why cant i love anyone who i want? im not complaining, just wondering, and certainly not fighting against the things i feel ever so strongly these days, in all the wrong places. i trust myself, usually, even though it's madness.
i ran a fog machine tonite. it's almost 6 now. i think i will not sleep, who cares? the sun comes up and it is just another day, where we will run around, be dead, be alive, be in love, make love, throw away things we cant keep anymore, save something we hope will remind us of something we used to love, and we hope we can love like that again.
I am a huge fan of finding your own way. I could push you in the direction i think you should go, but i know it means nothing until you make it happen; we are all one person, one set of choices, who will we be decide to be, what is our favorite song, what kind of girl do we find the prettiest? I can't fight the things that made me who i am, only try to know it and to make it work, and feel good about it. This is not right or wrong. God is here, showing me around the way life could be. i dont know where the 'should be' comes in.

in my heart i wanted more

its been a wild week. i saw a fire, painted in kensington high school, i sold 2 paintings to a man, went on a sobriety binge, saw a new man become president, celebrated megins birthday, applied to become a sperm donor (still filling out the second wave of application), got a raise as a dj, had way too many serious conversations (still wanting more). it's only thursday. this one will go down in the books.

insanity (aka dave wastes a day on the internet)

http://www.yhchang.com/
go to this site first, and watch these great videos, particularly

then, watch this because its too much. stick it out until around 4 minutes in, the pay off is huge

something new

heres a new painting. im still waiting for someone to offer me alot of money for it.
i had alot of fun making this.

for now

new pictures up later today, question mark.






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