in the hoons crib

boy i feel bad recently. it's okay, i know why.
tonight i will stay at my parents house, it is 2:20 am, and i am there. I thought about getting in the hot tub, and maybe i will do that, after this. There was a holiday party tonight for a company going out of business, and as such they went out with a bang. There was even karaoke, if you can imagine. And a boss dancing his single dance move precariously close to the overly-friendly-now-that-she's-drunk woman, the same one who i'm pretty sure was silently weeping when she thought she couldn't have one of the inflatable penguins which wears a hat. That grammar is questionable. I can't believe it's christmas time already, and that people actually expect me to play christmas songs. When did the months go by?
It's been a tough couple of days, lots of loneliness among large amounts of people, lots of lost sleep that is then regained during the day when I should be awake. Lots of headaches. I've never been able to break through to the other side of this yet. I don't really know what I should try to think about, it seems like everything leads me to the same point of me being upset. I was thinking today how lonely my brother must be. He only hangs out with my parents, does some odd jobs for people he does not know, then has to go home at 8 every night and be there, by himself, with nothing but a little tv and his thoughts in a room that is as big as my old bedroom i'm inside right now. This troubled me. It's as they say that if you want to find something to be sad about it you need only to open your eyes. Maybe it's a point of view thing. Regardless, i don't know what my role is in all of this (a common theme with me). I suppose the alternatives are worse.
I think i have a hard time believing that i will or should get something good out of life. For the most part, I haven't tried all that hard to achieve it. The things I think are great to pursue are usually not. It's a good thing you don't have to deserve good stuff in order to get it. I'm also tired of being a sad sack. This is difficult when at the same time I martyr myself left and right and seem to actually seek it out. I've been thinking about California, and maybe getting a bartenders license, and a motorcycle, and to actually start saving up money for that tattoo I want. I don't want to bring unneeded or hasty change just because I want it, I think i've done that quite enough, thank you.
i think i'm going to end every post i do for awhile with "God is still here, and He's still doing good stuff". maybe then i'll start to think it's true more than every 3 to 4 days.
Still looking for that roommate....