31.12.08
30.12.08
Agenda
1. see 'Milk' last nite (it was great)
2. have brian talk me down off a (metaphorical) bridge last nite (this was, to be fair, pretty great as well)
3. make some coffee, put on clothes
4. Buy new canvas' from Pearl, make something
5. renew passport because it expires in Feb '09
6. go to tattoo shop, figure out prices, set... an.... appointment...????
7. go somewhere for new years eve, maybe in a car
8. figure out if i have a job, and react accordingly
9. plan a trip to somewhere
10. don't go crazy
11. if crazy, get help
12. seduce women by playing guitar in foreign countries
13. write about it
28.12.08
what would joni do
we have one week left in this year of 2008, and i think it's fair to say that most things have gone the way of the buffalo. But the sunset tonite was still amazing. Theres so many songs that talk about new years resolutions and how stuff is shit, i will probably listen to these songs. Things are strange. I thought i knew alot of things, but i didnt.
"But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: if any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away." (I COR. 7:12)
"...and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; else were your children unclean; but now they are holy." (I COR. 7:14)
Turns out, love is the most important thing. How do i constantly, constantly forget to love, knowing its the most important part of being who i am. Paul is clear that He is saying what he says in those verses, not God, meaning it's just his opinion - which is strange because it's in the Bible, which is supposed to be all true. There is, however, alot of other implications for the man in this, if he is to follow through on this. There are no rules, at least that I have found, that tell you about going into a relationship, or any of that. Imagine, not being told what to do. Either way, this shit shook my mind. What a surprise, i may have done something impulsive. Well anyway, its almost time for church. Keep your eyes on Gaza and all that is happening. Dont get scared just yet.
Joni will show you what to do.
25.12.08
christmas
this movie is my fondest of all childhood memories.
http://www.fanpop.com/spots/christmas/videos/13835
...and this is just good
22.12.08
What a wicked game to play
we cant toy with all of these hearts at once
or, okay, well, maybe we can
I never imagine that I will end up on the losing end
And my clothes will at least be clean at the end of the day
And anyway you were wrong from the first
When you called it a game
It’s amazing, how all the things we say we could say at any time now
And noone would think we were too young anymore
I’ve been sleeping too long, wishing for some arms to wrap my own around
Give me a reason to lie here a little longer
Instead of regrets and bitter memory to bed down in
Its right now that I realize - that none of this could possibly matter
Otherwise we would all be a waste, and what a tragedy it would be for us all to be following after something we can never find
There has to be something else besides our silly games
A crown that even love needs to wear, something else we don’t understand
It’s been so many weeks, and I wonder why you affect me the way you do
Where you get your timing from, how you knew the day I would be open on the table
Here on this bus, on the way through this winter
sometimes, when I think of you
Sometimes, I get so short of breath
And I have to remember I cant be responsible for anyone, no more
And how I’ve grown to hate the thought of our bodies
Your body
And im sorry, I don’t have the gift, I cant make you cry on cue, but I can promise you
I felt it just as much as anyone ever has
So here I am, always a few pints gone, asking after every pretty face I thought
might one day have a chance with, whispering, wondering is this what I was born for
I’ve been thinking about what it would really feel like to jump in the shoes
Of all the life-darkened faces I see
And what you all think my eyes have seen in this short time, because
I couldn’t care anymore about all of that bullshit tragedy
What we’ve all got to say is not enough to make it right, all I’ve got are these arrows on my sleeves, some guidelines, my fabulous unproven point
once every 3 years. All I can offer is my body, maybe a few words that may or may not make you feel anything for me, depending on the day
I cant promise you that we will bask in some glory of the grand finale
of time falling down, because now I know it won’t be so beautiful without you
knowing you’re still down in the out, and that maybe I could have done something different, I could have certainly been a better man
That together we’d greet the end knowing we were right, now
We just sink into something else, wondering where the truth lied between us
And how heartbroken one of us will be to say I told you so
I guess I’ll just try to rise above
And figure out what that means hopefully after I’ve done it
18.12.08
17.12.08
16.12.08
science. look it up
15.12.08
12.12.08
the moon and i
10.12.08
a break from feelings
i post this story because i know it will upset adam, or at least make him be annoyed.
black holes = not real. question mark? How can you say if the very thing you're trying to prove cant actually be seen? quantum gravity is something i cant even think about, because i dont know how.
i'm not going to talk about the nature of infinity because i am not qualified, but infinity by nature has to contain everything (but you just said....) . God is infinite, but able to bend the rules? He is, after all, God. Because God by nature cannot have any sin.
.....Dave by nature is so interested in things he cannot understand because they are impossible for him to figure out.
i cant find my philosophy book
one more thing - when you are faced with something that you consider to be beautiful, be it a painting, or the ocean, or whatever strikes your fancy, what is the thing it reminds you of? If you spend enough time looking at something you find beautiful, does it always remind you of the same thing, the same person, is there a common thread in things in the world that are beautiful? Does it stand alone, or are you always reminded of something else that is in your mind or perceptions of beautiful (God, angels, vampires, the devil, you know whatever strikes your fancy). It's fair to say that some things are beautiful only to you. maybe. i dont really know what im getting at. i had first started to think about this when i was looking at the ocean every nite on the cruise ship i attended this past summer, and how it is the best thing for me to look at, thinking about the straight horizon line and (cough) infinity, the above and below both going on forever, light and dark, water and fire, love and hate, the moon existing in the sky and in the surface of the water. and yes, i'm talking about my paintings now too. anyway
i found my philosophy book
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole
http://www.gotquestions.org/infinite-God.html
master fader
today was a great day.
interesting things are happening in greece.
God is still here, and He's still doing good stuff
9.12.08
and then, i got better
tonite, i walked home from kung fu necktie with a hockey stick i found on the side of the alleyway. i thought it was menacing as could be. plus, i had just got done listening to nachmystium, so you can imagine how pumped i was. right?
the hummus i am eating right now smells like cat food. i think it is safe to say that it has gone bad. and yet, it tastes the same as when it had gone good. i bought saltines because they were cheaper than triscuits.
this morning i went to friendly's to meet with a bride who wanted to meet me to see if i would be okay to dj her wedding next month. she had a lazy eye. but that was okay by me. stephen asked if we had smile cones together, and the answer was no, we did not. truthfully, i have never heard of a smile cone before, and am skeptical as to whether it's real or not.
after this i went and visited my dog for a minute (it was on the way). I picked up some cassette tapes that my brother had owned from a small compartment that smelled like memories underneath the water bed. Then i went to the grocery store.
At the beer man store near my house they are giving away cups. This is fantastic for the obvious reasons.
i was thinking walking home, in the dark alley, with my hockey stick, how many people lived on just this one small street in this one small part of this city, and how impossible it is to care about even all of them, let alone all of the other people. do you need to focus on what you can, what you know, does alot of that consist of looking at yourself? that's okay, maybe. maybe that's all you are able to do. i hope i can move out from myself and onto other people. if you tarry until youre ready, you'll never come at all. you know?
i love to look at the sky at nite. and okay, during the day, too. i saw a huge shooting star the other nite (before i was in the hot tub), and it reminded me of alot of things, and was full of joy.
ive been thinking alot about rome, and all of the things that happened there. i think that maybe i am starting to figure myself out.
ive been reading a survey of the new testament
tomorrow i will make brownies.
just seeing your hands from two chairs across is enough to distract me for a full hour.
6.12.08
in the hoons crib
tonight i will stay at my parents house, it is 2:20 am, and i am there. I thought about getting in the hot tub, and maybe i will do that, after this. There was a holiday party tonight for a company going out of business, and as such they went out with a bang. There was even karaoke, if you can imagine. And a boss dancing his single dance move precariously close to the overly-friendly-now-that-she's-drunk woman, the same one who i'm pretty sure was silently weeping when she thought she couldn't have one of the inflatable penguins which wears a hat. That grammar is questionable. I can't believe it's christmas time already, and that people actually expect me to play christmas songs. When did the months go by?
It's been a tough couple of days, lots of loneliness among large amounts of people, lots of lost sleep that is then regained during the day when I should be awake. Lots of headaches. I've never been able to break through to the other side of this yet. I don't really know what I should try to think about, it seems like everything leads me to the same point of me being upset. I was thinking today how lonely my brother must be. He only hangs out with my parents, does some odd jobs for people he does not know, then has to go home at 8 every night and be there, by himself, with nothing but a little tv and his thoughts in a room that is as big as my old bedroom i'm inside right now. This troubled me. It's as they say that if you want to find something to be sad about it you need only to open your eyes. Maybe it's a point of view thing. Regardless, i don't know what my role is in all of this (a common theme with me). I suppose the alternatives are worse.
I think i have a hard time believing that i will or should get something good out of life. For the most part, I haven't tried all that hard to achieve it. The things I think are great to pursue are usually not. It's a good thing you don't have to deserve good stuff in order to get it. I'm also tired of being a sad sack. This is difficult when at the same time I martyr myself left and right and seem to actually seek it out. I've been thinking about California, and maybe getting a bartenders license, and a motorcycle, and to actually start saving up money for that tattoo I want. I don't want to bring unneeded or hasty change just because I want it, I think i've done that quite enough, thank you.
i think i'm going to end every post i do for awhile with "God is still here, and He's still doing good stuff". maybe then i'll start to think it's true more than every 3 to 4 days.
Still looking for that roommate....
3.12.08
it is official. stephen is moving out on january 1st. anyway who is reading this or knows somebody that would be a good fit for our house here in the north of philadelphia, with me and megin, and the recently engaged brian (who will move out in a few more months), please let me know asap so i can rigourously screen and interview you. i actually won't do any of those things. for more than a few minutes.
i had some good conversations tonite. does it make me feel cool when people advocate therapy to me? well yeah, but no. i like the idea of a non biased, non objective listener, but dont i already have one of those in my own mind?
woops.....
