happy christmas month starting tomorrow

i had a dream today where i was hearing this song, and my dad said to me 'see, sometimes songs are quick to take away the heartbreak.' But i'm not sure if he was right, because it made me cry.
....it was a vanessa carlton song, 'more than this'. Get off my case about it.
I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving and vacation weekend. Mine was nice. I think i'm going to resolve to not drink for awhile. my head needs the break. So here it is, december already.
there might be some openings in my house soon, if you would like to move in with me. There will, of course, be an interviewing process.
i wish my mom would stop calling me to remind me i forgot to go there today and set up the Christmas tree.
you knew i had one, so here it is, the obligatory break up poem i made last week. enjoy.

i dont know, im none too sure
maybe its all the same, maybe i've made some choice at some point
i wish there was a way, to know for sure, inside
but in some place, there is always someone who doesnt
for the time, i am convinced
we all ask why we live here, if love is the way we always thought it would be
when can i have an answer that suits me, or at least settles me
down and out of a complacent shrug
for when things don't quite work the way i had thought they might
but work is still what things somehow end up doing
and i know i'll learn to live with new memories
its just that work seems to be the key verb here

dear God please help us, i think i've heard your voice again
and its my blame that you needed to filter it so many times until i knew it was you
we spent so many years, trying to convince me that the words were just from the other me
and how i can't trust him, when things are turning out this way
but tonight, there was no mistake
and my eyes were convincing me that it really was the end
i had hoped that getting far from you would bring me close to Him
but now, today, i just don't know where i am
and God's far, and you're still farther, and im sitting still
i'm trying to find her, to get rid of you
and i'm trying to imagine you with him, to get rid of me
but mostly i'm trying to not imagine anything at all

i know we'll be fine
i think we'll be fine
i hope you will let me know that you are doing fine

so, here it is, 5 am, thanksgiving morning. at some point last nite i fell asleep. i dont remember when. i finished two new paintings yesterday. they will be up when i have a camera again. my old one (the one in my phone) is gone, because that phone is broken. it is the quietest right now. noone else is around. i might love it, or i might not. i have a huge headache. there were terrorists in india who killed alot of people, i am reading. and there might be a new military coup in thailand (thanks to the PAD thai, which is only a little bit hilarious). and some people are fighting a war right now.
so. happy thanksgiving, i hope we can really know how blessed we are.

not much really

my parents came to visit.
so apparently i am being slowly killed via carbon monoxide. unconfrimed, but it would explain why i get so sleepy when im up in my room, closest to the heater and its many illustrious fumes. I was promised a CO detector for Christmas. Hopefully that won't be too late....
just joking, but seriously.
i dont know when i work next. maybe i got fired. i did not do my homework.
i've been reading about things, and thinking about active love and acceptance of others. its hard to forgive people, especially myself as the main person who i need to get over. Changing my entire mindset will take work i am assuming. im trying to get back to somewhere, a place i cant even remember, except i think it was real. maybe it's entirely new. either way i have to stay excited about it actively, or i crawl right back into this mope tree and go under the blankets. i got friends, to help me pull through. well, most of the time.

best songs these days - kanye west - love lockdown, manchester orchestra - i can feel a hot one, sia - breathe me, the kinks - strangers, manchester orchestra - badges and badges, decemberists- raincoat song

happy birthday

happy 31st to The mr daniel james montgomery, love peace and rest

feeling guilty for wanting to live a happy life, when the world is so fucked that maybe being sad with it is the least i could do? what a waste of time.
so, what do we do? try to change it all? try to change where we live? go somewhere else and try to change that? or do i try to change myself? I feel humble before it all. because i dont understand it all, i dont understand it at all.

new paint

these posted in reverse order, but i'm not going to change it. the second picture is the first state and the first picture is the (semi) finished product. not too complicated. i'm thinking maybe one more crisp racing stripe near the top, maybe not. give me a few more looks.
i was so close to going into the basketball game across the street tonight, not to play (i am astronomically bad at basketball) but to watch and have interest, but there were some scary looking people at the entrance when i made a lap. turns out im a racist too. baby steps, at least i was out in the park at night, and having a very nice time. a sligthly hazy, smoky, very nice time.

reading into the nite

a beautiful sunday, but it felt cold by the end.

i have to admit, it turns out, i enjoy grey's anatomy. my apologies. for that among so many other things. i wrote alot of things today, after hours of whiskey and church and medical and funeral home-related drama, but it's nothing that should be repeated, at least not to everyone. I am trying so hard to start.

listen to 'right away, great captain'. God is the captain. do you get it?

i'll be sad when my dog dies

i feel no different for trying

“the gods put us down with a certain arbitrary glee in the wrong place – and what we seek is who we really ought to be, like Parcheesi which I don’t remember how to play.”

all i could think in church today (though im not supposed to call it church) is that so many times we do the right thing,we make the right choice, without any acknowledgment of why we do it, and it becomes so useless to do things "for God" because that wasn't our original intention, just a happy afterthought. I'm hoping that it turns out to really not be about me at all, because if that was the case, all i did was make a mess of it all.

some things

the first thing my assistant said to me today was ' you look like a french gentleman'.
not even 'hello'.
i said 'you better take care not to offend me so often'. He assured me he meant well by it. I am no longer exactly certain of the purpose of this blog, and i guess i never was, whether it's for artwork or ideas or being jaunty, or a lopsided combination of the 3. It's been some heavy days lately, and alot of water has fallen. I am trying very hard to not get depressed. i have reached season 5 of six feet under.
the best part was when the man said 'you people hang on to your pain like it means something, like it's worth something; well, let me tell you, it ain't worth shit.' why do we hang on to pain like it's going to help us out sometime later, or make us feel cool, or get us some sympathy from someone who otherwise would find you uninteresting? hmph. i guess sometimes we just do.

I am at work on a large square canvas, with paint chips and ocean water in the works. i started reading either/or again, as well as some weird book my mom gave me called 'the shack'. When i go to work, all i am thinking is that i should quit the next day, then after the job is over, all i am thinking is 'maybe it's okay if i keep it'. I am thinking this is a personality flaw. My dad is unhappy with Obama. I'm listening to the wall-e soundtrack, which is surprisingly making me fairly unhappy, not because it's not great, mind you. Something is wrong outside right now; a car horn keeps beeping and its 2:30am. someone else is yelling to 'shut the f up'. I sometimes think i've slept so much that I could stay up for days without getting tired. It's never turned out to be true. I have been trying hard to wake up early (ie 9-10 am) so that I can enjoy a full day. It's hard when you can hear the rain on the rooftop above. the other day dante said about our age group of people that 'we all see where we want to be and what we want to do over there; But, we're over here, and we have no idea how to get to there.' Me personally? i think id like to go on a trip.

i dont know what it is, but the fact that everyone is so excited about obama being the president and that they're all so sure that he is going to change the world and now they're proud of their country and new puppies and yada yada really makes me feel like like 'uh-oh, what's really going to happen, with all of these hopes getting up, surely he is going to usher in the apocalypse.' i hope things get better, thats why i voted, but this feeling is worth mentioning, question mark? either way, alot of people's color is showing these days, which is great. silly racists.

growth involves change
and change involves pain