day 1

ash wednesday was today. I dont think youre supposed to say 'happy ash wednesday!' ...I have begun to abstain from alcohol, and it was fairly simple for the day at least. the point is that when you want the thing you cant have, you direct that energy to God instead. there has been noone else but me in the house for 30-36 hours now. luckily i did go out for a time to watch a show i had no idea what the hell was going on and didnt care (lost) and another show which was largely disappointing (top chef). and there was chicken wings. but now im back. i am feeling strange.
last nite a good reason for not drinking presented itself - i had totally misplaced a hilarious memory of mine from new orleans. I actually needed to be reminded that i was paid $100 to go into a shemale strip club and have a drink. seriously. i have trained my brain exceedingly well at blocking things out. oh, come on, it was just a drink. you would do the same thing. i have the disposition that makes me want to experience everything, which leads me to my next point -
i found out today that i am the reincarnation of soren kierkegaard. here's why:

"i dont feel like doing anything. I dont feel like walking - it is tiring. i dont feel like lying down, for either i would lie down for a long time, and i dont feel like doing that, or i would get up right away, and i dont feel like that either - i dont feel like riding - the motion is too vigorous for my apathy; i dont feel like doing anything except just taking a drive; indolently, smoothly undulating along, letting objects in abundance glide by, pausing at every beautiful spot merely to feel my listlessness - my ideas and impulses are just as barren as a eunuch's desire. I seek in vain for something to stimulate me... now I really feel the meaning of the expression about Christ's words that they are life and spirit. To be brief: I do not feel like writing what I have written here, and i do not feel like erasing it either.
...all i am qualified to do is to converse with crazy people and to offer them my hand
...i divide my time as follows. One half I sleep; the other half i dream.
..I could almost be tempted to explain the contradictions moving within me by supposing that i am an irishman. For the irish do not have the heart to immerse their children totally when they have them baptized; they want to keep a little paganism in reserve. Generally the child is totally immersed, but they leave the right arm free, so that he will be able to wield a sword with it, embrace the girls"

love him. heres one last quote/food for thought - 'Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. We never find out the strength of an evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it; and Christ, because he was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist.' CS Lewis

anybody want to come over? you should. i am lonely as hell and will be reading on the couch for hours because my sleep is completely off. i prefer pretty girls who like to snuggle, just for the record.