26.2.09
25.2.09
day 1
ash wednesday was today. I dont think youre supposed to say 'happy ash wednesday!' ...I have begun to abstain from alcohol, and it was fairly simple for the day at least. the point is that when you want the thing you cant have, you direct that energy to God instead. there has been noone else but me in the house for 30-36 hours now. luckily i did go out for a time to watch a show i had no idea what the hell was going on and didnt care (lost) and another show which was largely disappointing (top chef). and there was chicken wings. but now im back. i am feeling strange.
last nite a good reason for not drinking presented itself - i had totally misplaced a hilarious memory of mine from new orleans. I actually needed to be reminded that i was paid $100 to go into a shemale strip club and have a drink. seriously. i have trained my brain exceedingly well at blocking things out. oh, come on, it was just a drink. you would do the same thing. i have the disposition that makes me want to experience everything, which leads me to my next point -
i found out today that i am the reincarnation of soren kierkegaard. here's why:
"i dont feel like doing anything. I dont feel like walking - it is tiring. i dont feel like lying down, for either i would lie down for a long time, and i dont feel like doing that, or i would get up right away, and i dont feel like that either - i dont feel like riding - the motion is too vigorous for my apathy; i dont feel like doing anything except just taking a drive; indolently, smoothly undulating along, letting objects in abundance glide by, pausing at every beautiful spot merely to feel my listlessness - my ideas and impulses are just as barren as a eunuch's desire. I seek in vain for something to stimulate me... now I really feel the meaning of the expression about Christ's words that they are life and spirit. To be brief: I do not feel like writing what I have written here, and i do not feel like erasing it either.
...all i am qualified to do is to converse with crazy people and to offer them my hand
...i divide my time as follows. One half I sleep; the other half i dream.
..I could almost be tempted to explain the contradictions moving within me by supposing that i am an irishman. For the irish do not have the heart to immerse their children totally when they have them baptized; they want to keep a little paganism in reserve. Generally the child is totally immersed, but they leave the right arm free, so that he will be able to wield a sword with it, embrace the girls"
love him. heres one last quote/food for thought - 'Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. We never find out the strength of an evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it; and Christ, because he was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist.' CS Lewis
anybody want to come over? you should. i am lonely as hell and will be reading on the couch for hours because my sleep is completely off. i prefer pretty girls who like to snuggle, just for the record.
last nite a good reason for not drinking presented itself - i had totally misplaced a hilarious memory of mine from new orleans. I actually needed to be reminded that i was paid $100 to go into a shemale strip club and have a drink. seriously. i have trained my brain exceedingly well at blocking things out. oh, come on, it was just a drink. you would do the same thing. i have the disposition that makes me want to experience everything, which leads me to my next point -
i found out today that i am the reincarnation of soren kierkegaard. here's why:
"i dont feel like doing anything. I dont feel like walking - it is tiring. i dont feel like lying down, for either i would lie down for a long time, and i dont feel like doing that, or i would get up right away, and i dont feel like that either - i dont feel like riding - the motion is too vigorous for my apathy; i dont feel like doing anything except just taking a drive; indolently, smoothly undulating along, letting objects in abundance glide by, pausing at every beautiful spot merely to feel my listlessness - my ideas and impulses are just as barren as a eunuch's desire. I seek in vain for something to stimulate me... now I really feel the meaning of the expression about Christ's words that they are life and spirit. To be brief: I do not feel like writing what I have written here, and i do not feel like erasing it either.
...all i am qualified to do is to converse with crazy people and to offer them my hand
...i divide my time as follows. One half I sleep; the other half i dream.
..I could almost be tempted to explain the contradictions moving within me by supposing that i am an irishman. For the irish do not have the heart to immerse their children totally when they have them baptized; they want to keep a little paganism in reserve. Generally the child is totally immersed, but they leave the right arm free, so that he will be able to wield a sword with it, embrace the girls"
love him. heres one last quote/food for thought - 'Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. We never find out the strength of an evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it; and Christ, because he was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist.' CS Lewis
anybody want to come over? you should. i am lonely as hell and will be reading on the couch for hours because my sleep is completely off. i prefer pretty girls who like to snuggle, just for the record.
24.2.09
23.2.09
getting ready
best caption with this - "went in. was great."
"there exists fortunate creatures who have such a decided inclination in a particular direction that they follow the path once it is laid out for them without ever falling prey to the thought that perhaps they ought to have followed an entirely different path. There are others who let themselves be influenced so completely by their surroundings that it never becomes clear to them in what direction they are really striving... Perhaps it is my misfortune in life that I am interested in far too many things rather than definitely in any one thing. My interests are not all subordinated to one but are all coordinate...life has always interested me most, and it has always been my desire to clarify and solve the riddle of life.
...I prefer to talk with old women who chatter about their families, next with demented people - and lastly with very sensible people." (kierkegaard, either/or)
"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. Only those who resist temptation know how strong it is.... and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist." CS Lewis
its monday. im studying lent for cell. i plan on giving up alcohol for 40 days (technically 46). I have serious doubts about this actually coming true. I find myself in a familiar place, hopefully with new eyes and better choices to be made than the last time. I have only ever felt the way I did.
22.2.09
another saturday night, and i aint got etc etc
i almost fell off my ladder today. i had to jump. and burn my hand slightly on the rope. well, i didnt have to do that. tonight i was a game show host for the newlywed game at a corporate party. i have never been a game show host, but have always thought i would be good at it. fact. it was good. then i raced to another place where i sang in a chorus for a band who my roommate belongs to. i have never been a singer in a band, but have always thought i would be good at that too. after an hour of driving, i am now here. i would like to now transcribe this page i wrote earlier, omitting anything that sounds poor as i go. marshmallow mateys.
What does the knowledge of it do for your own action? If we know in our heart that we, ourself, is fallible; incapable of loving fully, incapable of being God, why then do we continue on trying as if we think we will break the mold? Trying is the best to hope for. Everyone is forgotten in time. There are people who just seem(ed) to know something everyone else didn't, how to put the pieces together simply while appearing complex, to write a melody that reaches inside. But we can avert our our eyes, shut our ears, we cannot be reached unless we choose to be. Sometimes I wish I had a God that would force me to know Him. But then i dont. I wonder how it could be that even if i had God by my side, a pure example of love and what to emulate, how i could still find it in myself to turn away and look for something for myself. I know that I would. So what does knowing do for me? Does it change my course of action, do i try harder than anyone else ever has? Okay, why not?
NOw by no means do i mean to stop. It's difficult to pursue things in your life if you over think it. We are constantly being who we are, and we can constantly change that direction and pursue something new. I am not held down, pinned by any choice I ever made (certainly some choices if made would bring some moral/judicial ramifications). Is this freedom? Do we already have what we want but fail to see it? So many people around the world are literally chained down by the evils of their country, their neighbors, their inheritance, their poverty, and are unable to feel like they can break away. I weep for that. And what of the message i cling to - that love will pave the way, true love is a thing worth dying for, the source of madness is the lack of it. Well, maybe not. It's foolish. And yet it pins down so many artists, musicians, poets... or okay all of them. What we really want is to be understood, to be happy on our own terms, get the things we want through luck and beguilement, perhaps a bit of merit. Could it be that the wealth of feelings, the lines of prose, all lead to an end result of not-good-enough? Is that where the misery comes from? How can you know what will happen before the end? How can you know what will save your soul (if you believe in these things) before the end, before it's happened? Yeah. You can't.
There are these feelings of pleasure, happiness, assurety (which apparently isn't a word), anxiety, misery, worry - and we put them together with experiences and words attached and follow them as road signs in our life. I try to remember some time long ago when I was absolutely sure about one thing or another, and what it took to achieve that. Now I feel like i've crossed the line again, into my usual and comfortable self worship, love worship; that any time spent thinking leads me away from God and deep into myself. A 180 degree turn is always necessary. A new mindset. How poor that is. And what does it help? I could do any great thing in the world completely devoid of God (to me), and He could still take it for His glory and use it as best He could for His kingdom. Do I miss out on the high five from God if I am A) not aware of my motives or b) doing good things for no real reason except to do them? There it goes again, me getting all full of myself. Pride is weird because it makes alot of sense. God doesn't belong in a box that I make for Him to be in. There is so much going on. I want to see it all happen and know it and then see what I do then. Something is off-putting about the old addage that you should do everything you do for God and that that will be able to verify life in that way. I guess I am just not very good at doing this.
...Maybe deep down inside, we all know we're just masturbating the day away; but it feels pretty good most of the time. Except for that time when you come down.
What does the knowledge of it do for your own action? If we know in our heart that we, ourself, is fallible; incapable of loving fully, incapable of being God, why then do we continue on trying as if we think we will break the mold? Trying is the best to hope for. Everyone is forgotten in time. There are people who just seem(ed) to know something everyone else didn't, how to put the pieces together simply while appearing complex, to write a melody that reaches inside. But we can avert our our eyes, shut our ears, we cannot be reached unless we choose to be. Sometimes I wish I had a God that would force me to know Him. But then i dont. I wonder how it could be that even if i had God by my side, a pure example of love and what to emulate, how i could still find it in myself to turn away and look for something for myself. I know that I would. So what does knowing do for me? Does it change my course of action, do i try harder than anyone else ever has? Okay, why not?
NOw by no means do i mean to stop. It's difficult to pursue things in your life if you over think it. We are constantly being who we are, and we can constantly change that direction and pursue something new. I am not held down, pinned by any choice I ever made (certainly some choices if made would bring some moral/judicial ramifications). Is this freedom? Do we already have what we want but fail to see it? So many people around the world are literally chained down by the evils of their country, their neighbors, their inheritance, their poverty, and are unable to feel like they can break away. I weep for that. And what of the message i cling to - that love will pave the way, true love is a thing worth dying for, the source of madness is the lack of it. Well, maybe not. It's foolish. And yet it pins down so many artists, musicians, poets... or okay all of them. What we really want is to be understood, to be happy on our own terms, get the things we want through luck and beguilement, perhaps a bit of merit. Could it be that the wealth of feelings, the lines of prose, all lead to an end result of not-good-enough? Is that where the misery comes from? How can you know what will happen before the end? How can you know what will save your soul (if you believe in these things) before the end, before it's happened? Yeah. You can't.
There are these feelings of pleasure, happiness, assurety (which apparently isn't a word), anxiety, misery, worry - and we put them together with experiences and words attached and follow them as road signs in our life. I try to remember some time long ago when I was absolutely sure about one thing or another, and what it took to achieve that. Now I feel like i've crossed the line again, into my usual and comfortable self worship, love worship; that any time spent thinking leads me away from God and deep into myself. A 180 degree turn is always necessary. A new mindset. How poor that is. And what does it help? I could do any great thing in the world completely devoid of God (to me), and He could still take it for His glory and use it as best He could for His kingdom. Do I miss out on the high five from God if I am A) not aware of my motives or b) doing good things for no real reason except to do them? There it goes again, me getting all full of myself. Pride is weird because it makes alot of sense. God doesn't belong in a box that I make for Him to be in. There is so much going on. I want to see it all happen and know it and then see what I do then. Something is off-putting about the old addage that you should do everything you do for God and that that will be able to verify life in that way. I guess I am just not very good at doing this.
...Maybe deep down inside, we all know we're just masturbating the day away; but it feels pretty good most of the time. Except for that time when you come down.
16.2.09
http://www.cracked.com/article_17039_9-real-life-mad-scientists.html
a good way to start the day.
To Say Before Going to Sleep
I would like to sing someone to sleep,
have someone to sit by and be with.
I would like to cradle you and softly sing,
be your companion while you sleep or wake.
I would like to be the only person
in the house who knew: the night outside was cold.
And would like to listen to you
and outside to the world and to the woods.
The clocks are striking, calling to each other,
and one can see right to the edge of time.
Outside the house a strange man is afoot
and a strange dog barks, wakened from his sleep.
Beyond that there is silence.
My eyes rest upon your face wide-open;
and they hold you gently, letting you go
when something in the dark begins to move.
(rainer maria rilke)
a good way to start the day.
To Say Before Going to Sleep
I would like to sing someone to sleep,
have someone to sit by and be with.
I would like to cradle you and softly sing,
be your companion while you sleep or wake.
I would like to be the only person
in the house who knew: the night outside was cold.
And would like to listen to you
and outside to the world and to the woods.
The clocks are striking, calling to each other,
and one can see right to the edge of time.
Outside the house a strange man is afoot
and a strange dog barks, wakened from his sleep.
Beyond that there is silence.
My eyes rest upon your face wide-open;
and they hold you gently, letting you go
when something in the dark begins to move.
(rainer maria rilke)
14.2.09
happy valentines
sometimes i wonder if maybe everyone is whistling along with my tune and i can feel that out here and away
somehow there's more to it all
"many people who appear physically in the actual world are not at home in it but are at home in that other world...
The image i have of her hovers indefinitely somewhere between her actual and her ideal form.
what pleasure is there in love if absolute abandon is not intrinsic
to it?
die eine ist verliebt gar sehr
die eine vare es gerne"
(from seducers diary, comic credit jeff kilpatrick)
13.2.09
i laughed, i cried, i made pukes. instant classic.
my only rebuttal is this - i never, ever want to live in a world where everything makes perfect sense; i always want to live in a place where things can be better than any imagination, because God knows i dont want to believe this is all that there is.
reading!
"when we did see each other, we were so bashful, so modest, that we were much farther apart than when we did not see each other. Then when we were apart again and the unpleasantness of this mutual uneasiness was forgotten, our having seen each other acquired it's full significance; then in our dreams we began exactly where we had stopped. So it was at least with me.
every person who has a fixed idea is a virtuoso on one string."
every person who has a fixed idea is a virtuoso on one string."
12.2.09
some music
...the reason it will be okay if i never become a singer/songwriter (i dont plan on being one), because kevin devine does it just fine for me
http://www.spin.com/articles/exclusive-song-hold-steady-cover-springsteen
the hold steady doing atlantic city. a no brainer, and pretty good.
http://aolradio.podcast.aol.com/aolmusic/mp3s/Manchester_Orchestra_Ive_Got_Friends.mp3
new manchester song.
http://www.myspace.com/thirdeyeblind
new third eye blind ep out. sorry, i cant stop thinking they are the best. maybe they lost their edge, we'll see.
11.2.09
heres what i worked on once.
i was reading my ticket stubs from 10 years ago today and i remembered some things that i can no longer remember happened at all. like for instance, remember when i got caught for shoplifting? hilarious. apparently i liked some pretty crazy things. kids, if you're out there, keep track of everything you do, because if you dont, you will not remember any of it. also, drinking only speeds up the process. BEWARE!!!!
you can only teach what you know. you know?
9.2.09
8.2.09
up, then down, but then up,
a good music to drive home at nite with is basia bulat.
i feel saintly because i dj'ed a fundraiser for special needs children who then got enough money to go to france. we danced so much that my feet will shout out when i take these fancy shoes off. being able to come into a house at 2 am and have an olive stuffed with garlic and some leftover alfredo, and then have it be your house so you can sleep in a minute, this is wonderful. i did a very quiet, dimly lit dance regarding it. i dont want to wake trenton doyle hancock.
if there was a recipe that could be repeated that would make me feel the way i do right now all of the time, that would be the bees nees. meaning it would be cool, not that the recipe would be called bees nees.
..how do you spell bees nees?
i feel saintly because i dj'ed a fundraiser for special needs children who then got enough money to go to france. we danced so much that my feet will shout out when i take these fancy shoes off. being able to come into a house at 2 am and have an olive stuffed with garlic and some leftover alfredo, and then have it be your house so you can sleep in a minute, this is wonderful. i did a very quiet, dimly lit dance regarding it. i dont want to wake trenton doyle hancock.
if there was a recipe that could be repeated that would make me feel the way i do right now all of the time, that would be the bees nees. meaning it would be cool, not that the recipe would be called bees nees.
..how do you spell bees nees?
5.2.09
3.2.09
tuesday
ah, a snowy day.
we never said that all of these things weren't following us around
but we forgot to mention, assumed that you knew
the pain and the past are only there
if we stop and turn around
i went through a book i used to write in the other nite, found about 3 things that made me say 'huh.' the rest of it made me realize i am not very good at writing, that i am very melodramatic. big surprise, i know. i think there is alot of things that i like (musically especially) that are sugary sweet and mostly terrible, but i love them anyway. i have come to terms, i won't apologize. but i will keep it a secret how much i like fall out boy, and how the counting crows are my favorite band ever.
i saw antony and the johnsons last nite. he was great. i also saw the movie 'the holy mountain' last nite, which was so insane we had to pause it and just laugh for a few minutes. I miss laughing like a little kid, im trying to make things more hilarious for everyone. I think it is my job to be upbeat and happy, and that i do a bad job. it's weird how some people totally get you and your brand of humor and how other people just look at you confused. it's weird how people do things. im going to write a letter to the paint chip company and see if they will be my patron, or at least send me free stuff. i have a new painting i need to post. its snowing, and i have not gone outside yet. someone called me a lucky dog today. i will roast some potatoes. on groundhogs day john runyan came out of a hole and saw his shadow, so the snowing is right on schedule. the news told me.
we never said that all of these things weren't following us around
but we forgot to mention, assumed that you knew
the pain and the past are only there
if we stop and turn around
i went through a book i used to write in the other nite, found about 3 things that made me say 'huh.' the rest of it made me realize i am not very good at writing, that i am very melodramatic. big surprise, i know. i think there is alot of things that i like (musically especially) that are sugary sweet and mostly terrible, but i love them anyway. i have come to terms, i won't apologize. but i will keep it a secret how much i like fall out boy, and how the counting crows are my favorite band ever.
i saw antony and the johnsons last nite. he was great. i also saw the movie 'the holy mountain' last nite, which was so insane we had to pause it and just laugh for a few minutes. I miss laughing like a little kid, im trying to make things more hilarious for everyone. I think it is my job to be upbeat and happy, and that i do a bad job. it's weird how some people totally get you and your brand of humor and how other people just look at you confused. it's weird how people do things. im going to write a letter to the paint chip company and see if they will be my patron, or at least send me free stuff. i have a new painting i need to post. its snowing, and i have not gone outside yet. someone called me a lucky dog today. i will roast some potatoes. on groundhogs day john runyan came out of a hole and saw his shadow, so the snowing is right on schedule. the news told me.
2.2.09
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