Dark Secret

This is what happens on the floor these days. The paper is 9 by 9 foot and then I paint a bullseye in gradients getting lighter out towards the edges, THEN I cut and paste the paint chips in an reverse pattern (light going out to dark). I still dont have enough 'dark secret' (the black ones) to cover the whole page, and it might take a long time until i do. The corners are black, which is great. I think I need to work on my intention being a bit more clear, ie making the painting or 'my hand' be extremely sloppy and prove that some dude with moderate painting skill did it, and then become incresingly geometric and specific with the swatches. There is a dialogue (or argument) going on but it could, as always, be stronger

this week is great

dear andrew hart - i hope you dont mind me using your comic on my blog. if you do, in fact, mind, please let me know, and i will stop.

sorry guys, just some legal mumbo jumbo above. lets all read the philly turkey
that way, when i talk about it, noone will have to pretend i've told a good story and pretend to laugh. this will save alot of self esteem for everyone.

oh yeah we're gonna keep on doin it too

how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?

if everything is to come out even in the end, then the end is farther away than anticipated

the past is a set of clues to navigate the present

desire is full of endless distances - This book i am reading said all these things to me, or rather i said them to me when i was going over what she had said to herself, in her book.

you can no longer desire something when you have achieved it. To want something is to not have it. This has alot to do with being satisfied with what you have, doesn't it? Though you can want something again, because when you got it, it was great. But still, there has to be a time when you are doing the wanting, or otherwise, you wouldn't. wow, concise.
So wait, what are the implications? I guess it's important to know the nature of your wants, and to take stock in what you are constantly wanting after (probably the things you are not getting).
Adam and I made speak about what sorts of things can be defined as wants as opposed to needs. It turned out that we dont really need anything - you dont need food - if you dont have it, you will die, but you will not cease to exist, you will just be the dead you - just like you dont need religion - if you have it, you might get a better eternal situation, but you will not cease to be you. You dont need anything to be who you are. There are only things you want, things that you think will help you at being you and doing that being better than you were before. b's b's b's.
Are some things not worth spending alot of your wanting on? no, who's going to say, and how would you know? It's easy to see how you can get caught up in yourself and pinned down by it, thinking about how you work and never being able to stop, because it's too much to do. Let's not forget that everyone else is doing the same thing, and that they are equalling your desires and have all of their own unique to themselves. Like the man at church said, the commandment didn't start off telling you you need to love yourself, it knew you would have that pretty well covered, but it said that you have to try and have that same love you spend on the deep you and have it for everyone else*. I asked myself 'and why is it that i should do that?' well, it seems like a good idea, is the answer i've come up with. but anyway.
the distance. its always the distance, and once you go there, its not there anymore. its in the distance. oh no im buried in thinking thoughts......

*If you dont know what i'm talking about, this cat Jesus broke all the rules right near the end of his hang out and said "there's just this one new commandment and its more important than all the other ones, and here it is - love everyone else as much as you love yourself and as much as I loved you." (thats the king david translation)

oh and ps - does the fact that you are always you stand as a good argument for eternal life? well, i guess the only evidence that people in history were themselves is in that history which could be made to make them seem like something they entirely were not. Think about just yourself, then. and how to go about not losing you. even though you cant. so the answer is no, then.

is this how a blog is supposed to be

I was reading a thing today about an artist who caught a sick, stray dog and chained it up in a gallery so people could watch it slowly starve to death. What was excellent about this is that people went absolutely crazy about how it wasn't art and that the guy was inhumane and OMG we should chain him to a wall and watch him starve to death..... which he might not be too adverse to, if he read all of the comments all over the place about it. Did you ever notice how people care more about animals getting hurt and killed than they do about people getting hurt or killed? You would get a stronger reaction from a video of a bunch of dogs being beaten and starved then you would of prisoners being water boarded or children in Africa being starved and killed in a genocide. I'm going to make art where I starve animals with a backdrop of videos of human suffering, just so I can make fun of people pretending to care about all the sorts of things they think they care about.
Wait, I have a better idea now - I will starve animals in a progression, like starting with bugs and spiders and then moving up to mice and rats and so on and so on. People would raise a million dollars to shut me up but will walk right past a homeless man to do it. I like art that kicks your ass, and I will strive to make some of it.

anyway. i would like to have a dog, and not for torturing purposes. i love dogs, equally as much as i love people.

i've been thinking about why i should do artwork anymore, i mean besides the thing inside that beats me if i do not make artwork. what difference do i make, how much of the world can be changed by the things that i do? i don't know if im happy with my 'i'm screwing the man' answer, in which i take money from people who dont deserve it and then get to have it, as another person who does not deserve it. I would give it away (maybe). I like the idea of art as the unifier, bringing people together and changing the way they exist to each other. Like i said, art that kicks your ass. There are only so many things that are important to me

Obcession is not the same thing as love, and love is not the same thing as comfort

this is what i wrote down yesterday, and I wish to expound on it in every direction until i make everyone feel bad. This is a honorable(?) task. Most relationships sit real heavily on one side or the other and something called settling happens. and i'm terrified of it. and not enough people are, too. I am beginning to know that i've never been in real love at all, no matter how much i thought i was, and that if i want to be, i will have to work extremely hard to get there.

Adam and I were talking and the idea of a fourth dimension that is neither love, obcession, or comfort was brought up. I think it was called 'old (or mature) love', and may not, however, exist.

And maybe it's possible that if you're focusing too much on how things are supposed to be, then you lose sight of how wonderful things are in the present. I am so guilty of this. I need to not be able to think my way out of feeling any certain way, and this has proven to be a difficult task. I am hard at work trying to figure myself out, and sit back and know what i really feel about all the things that have happened and deal with them, or at least invent a new way to block them out. I am not nearly finished. Love is not any kind of magic that fixes things - it's completely the opposite. now that i am a walking cliche', i will go to bed.

noone's gonna tell you
you've made it
noone's gonna tell you
you're doing the best that you can
noone's gonna tell you
that you're finally in love at last
so doesn't that mean
that maybe you get to tell yourself?

everything you think is all in your head

become parallel again

somewhere along the way

you and i, we will be the strongest creatures
for anyone we've yet to meet
my goodness, they just can't believe their luck
in the meantime
I just hope you can keep a few of these fine,
lite threads that still connect us,
maybe attach a few tin cans
maybe just to listen

and one day, when our cities are
those 2 to 3 thousand miles apart
maybe our dreams will fall into each other's place, and
(we'll) become parallel again
cling to hope for our lives, keep pulling in
for your hundred percent
if ever, anyone I believed would find it, it's you

someday
i know we'll both have the answer to your question
and we'll see each other on a red carpet
somewhere
and someone will ask if we've been introduced,
if we had planned this.

no i wasn't outside your house tonight
no no in fact im doing quite alright

April, Sometime in

we go away, and for a while, maybe
my mind will go on and on about something other than what it wants
and for a time,
perhaps
it will seem like
everything is gone from here and rolls along, in the rearview
and up ahead the road will stop with all of the little yellow signs
so that objects in mirror will be farther and farther and farther away than they appear

but anyway

It's over now, the cars run out
of roads and gas and willing passengers
and the waves come on with alarming speed
and nothing got lost as it followed you around
(you had hoped that possibly, this might occur)
see, hurt can take it's fucking time finding you
and do some careful planning to make sure it's going about it in the best way

I wonder when will it be when I can feel safe again
where will it come from, and will we survive all of the time it takes for it to get here

out here, underwater
i was tired before i started treading water